Something Smells Fishy

Have any of you ever been to the eating disorder website Something Fishy? It is a resource site for all kinds of eating disorders, ranging from anorexia to binge eating disorder and bulimia.

In my darker days, when I was feeling consumed by feelings of loneliness and helplessness and all I could see was a bleak future filled with nights spent sprawled on the couch surrounded by krispy kreme boxes and half-eaten pints of Ben and Jerry's, I would sit on my creaky futon in the dark after work and scroll through the website. I spent a lot of time looking at the memorials for people (mostly women) who had lost their battles with eating disorders. It was incredibly morbid, and yet it seemed to legitimize some of my own feelings.

One of the parts of that website is a message board that is divided into specific eating disorders. I spent some time on the COE/Bulimia/BED board, reading what others have written about their own experiences. I never posted myself, partly because I didn't know what to say and partly because in a way I felt food issues were not as severe as theirs and I didn't need to post. But I read a lot.

And one of the things I noticed was that it is verboten to mention specific foods, particularly when talking about a binge, because it might inspire others to binge on that food or trigger unhealthy behavior in other participants. I understood the concept but always thought they took it a bit too far.

But recently I have been wondering if they weren't correct in their thinking. I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, mostly weight-loss related. Some I've read before and others are new. It's a great way to gain some inspiration, but in the last week I've noticed a problem related to reading them. When I am having an emotional eating episode and I am trying to figure out what I want to binge on, some of the first foods that come to mind are those mentioned in these blogs.

For example, I've been reading blogs by a number of British weight-loss bloggers, and several of them mention their love of hot buttered toast and how that is a big binge food for them. So what did I do the other night when I was trying to figure out what would make me feel better? I went out and bought a loaf of white bread with the intention of toasting it and slathering it with butter. This was something I'd never done before.

I actually didn't get very far into the loaf, and the bread was pretty low-quality, so I didn't enjoy the toast much. But still, it was worrisome behavior.

Then this morning when I was contemplating what to eat for breakfast to make me feel better about my car and having a migraine, it occurred to me that there was a Chik-Fil-A in the mall on my way to the metro. Normally it would NEVER occur to me to eat Chik-Fil-A...in fact, I wasn't even aware it was open for breakfast. But the other day I was watching a video on YouTube about someone with bulimia, and the video blogger mentioned having binged on Chik-Fil-A for breakfast - biscuits with gravy, specifically.

I really wanted biscuits with gravy this morning.

As I mentioned in my last post, I got through that craving and made my own breakfast, so all is ok for now. But again, worrisome behavior.

And as I was walking to the metro this morning, I actually passed a man carrying a bag of Chic-Fil-A. I didn't want it by that point at all, but it was a funny coincidence - and proof that the place really is open for breakfast!

I rarely go to Something Fishy these days. I'm not in as dark a place as I used to be, and for some reason that site always made me feel much, much sicker (in terms of food issues) than I do normally. Like I was absorbing these bad, psychotic vibes. And sometimes I felt like the people on there were almost enjoying wallowing in their behaviors. That's hardly fair, I know, but there it is.