Eating tomorrow

Tomorrow, August 26, I will eat oatmeal, fruit, eggs for breakfast.

Progress?

I've done a lot of thinking since my last post--about why I overate that night, whether it was something that should really bother me, how to move forward, etc. I think the reasons were what I stated, and the thing that made me feel better about it really was the fact that I hadn't deliberately gone out and bought binge food and eaten it all. It was not a deliberate thing. So I really didn't want to beat my self up over it. And I didn't. I felt ok. But I did want to analyze the reasons why to see if I could prevent it in the future. 

Right now I really, really want to go out and buy binge food and eat. It's been four days since the night I overate and I've been doing fine. Food was fine. but there's a lot of stress right now related to family stuff etc. All I want is sugar. I'm determined not to have it, though my mind is messing with me right now. I had planned on having chicken and mushroom risotto for dinner, but I decided I didnt want it and that I was going to have to eat something I actually wanted if I was going to not be pissed off about not eating my binge foods. So I'm thawing a steak. And I'm going to have roasted broccoli and baked french fries with it. That's a real meal that I can feel fine about. I hate this obsession with food, though. I wish I could just accept that Im not going to eat sugar and flour tonight, make the decision to have my (new and improved) dinner, and then move on. But I can't. Maybe it's because I'm hungry. I didn't have much breakfast or lunch, so that could be it. I need to start eating on a better schedule and more complete meals. That would help. Then I wouldn't be so hungry at 4 pm. 

I think I need to watch some more videos about BED. That is a good deterrant.

For now, it's time to go get my laundry out.

Peace Out

Trying to Understand

I have so many thoughts in my head right now. I overate tonight. and not just vegetables or oatmeal or something  healthy. But cookies and m&ms. Lots of them. I did not go out and binge, so I suppose that's good. But I overate. Why? Stress over the job. Food. Headaches. Alcohol. Socializing. There are lots of reasons. I need to think about them tomorrow. But here, now, I just want to come on here to say that I DID NOT BINGE and I need to treat tomorrow like any other day and work on being healthy. Tomorrow I will eat: strawberry/oatmeal/egg bake for breakfast, tuna salad for lunch, and pork with broccoli for dinner.

What I will eat today

Breakfast: Egg, blueberry, oatmeal bake and coffee

Lunch: 1 can tuna with two rice cakes, vegetable (salad?) and smoothie.

Dinner: Steak with gorgonzola sauce, broccoli, applesauce

Depression

I'm depressed today. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I don't have enough to do. Or because I'm anxious and tired. I couldn't sleep last night, maybe because I'm worried about getting a job. Maybe I'm dealing with the consequences of eating healthfully. They say getting out of the food exposes lots of raw emotions and feelings that have been buried under the food for so long. I think you just have to get through it. Try to examine what the feelings are, why you're feeling that way, and what you can do about it. Why am I feeling this way? I think I'm scared I'll be alone forever. I'm stressed about my personality issues. I'm worried about relationships, and I'm stressed about work. But I'm doing what I can right now. I'm waiting to hear back from a potential employer, hopefully by the end of the week. I think I've got a good chance. I need to send out two resumes today. That is my goal. And I need to make a phone call to my current freelance boss about plans going forward. As for relationships, I am working on what I can do, which should make me feel better. I'm working to be healthy and look better, which will make me feel more confident in the long-term to find real love. And in the meantime, there are things I an do to make myself less lonely. Those come with problems too, but I think, on the balance, it is better to do it than not to. As for personality stuff, I'm going to apologize to the people I think they affected last night, when I go exercise with them. I hope that will help. And exercise. That will help me feel better. So I am working on these things. But none of the solutions will help me feel completely better immediately. So the key is not to eat through them, because that will make me feel worse. Even though all I want to do is curl up on the couch and cry. Although not quite as much as I did before I started writing this.

I Will

I swear. Here in public in writing. That I will eat according to my food plan tomorrow, August 8, 2009.

Bfast: Blueberry oatmeal bake

Lunch: Tuna salad, rice cakes, salad, smoothie

Dinner: Daal Makhani with rice, apple.