Compulsive Eating

Why? I had a perfectly nice lunch - brown rice pasta primavera and a banana. IT was excellent. But as I was microwaving it, I spied a box of marshmallow-caramel-chocolate-pecan thingies someone had left in the office kitchen. I was starving. Apparently my waffle with 1 T peanut butter and half a banana wasn't enough. So even before I got the pasta out of the fridge, I grabbed one of these thingies, tore open the wrapper, and ate it. It was good. Then I stuck the pasta in the microwave and while it was heating grabbed another chocolate thingy. This one was not as good, not because it was different, but because it was too much gooeyness after the last one. Of course I was immediately struck with horrible guilt and the feeling that I've ruined yet another day.

And this is even after commanding myself to "just chill" on my way down to get my lunch, to be present in the moment and be aware of what I was doing/eating/enjoying.

Didn't help.

The only slightly good news is now I'm too full, so the idea of binging after this slip-up isn't appealing. I just need to chill.

Why do I do this, though???

Oh right, I'm uber stressed (see post above). Argh. I would be able to handle all this life crap so much better if I felt better about my food and my body.

I'm So Not Coping

I just said ( I'm so not coping) this to my friend, and I realized how true it is. Well, I'm coping the only way I know how, which is to eat. Yesterday I literally ate the entire box of cereal I bought in the morning. So messed up. The things that amount of fiber will do to your digestive system are not pretty.

So I'm totally not coping. Have you ever reached one of those points in life where you have so many stressors that you don't know what to do? Well, what I do is turn to food. Which is just making everything worse. Like I know I'm getting fatter on top of everything else, so literally everything feels out of control.

Long Time No Blog

So I guess I've had my longest period yet without a blog post. Most times, that means bad things - whether it is lack of weight loss or other traumatic events. In my case, it's all three. Since my last post, I have broken up with my BF of 3.5 years, learned my dad had cancer, moved apartments, tried Overeaters Anonymous, and gained enough weight to go all the way back up to 204. Not great. In fact it sucks. It has been a sucky, suck 2009 so far.

Things are working themselves out, slowly, though. The now ex-BF and I are speaking again. It hurts. So much, but I want to be friends. I just didn't want to marry him. Dad had surgery and is on the mend. We find out in a couple days if the biopsy results show the cancer has spread, but it's looking very, very promising that it hasn't. I moved into a wonderful new apartment (unfortunately, right next to the ex but also right next to a couple good friend, so I have company). I love my new space. OA has given me a lot of think about, and although I'm not sure how much I'm going to involve myself in it going forward, it will be valuable regardless.

So I'm trying to figure my crap out right now. There's been a lot of distraction the last couple months, but I'm hoping that I can concentrate on me a bit more now. I don't know. We'll see. The plan is to come here and post feelings around mealtimes. We'll see how that goes.

Heather from Dietgirl - I had no idea anyone had commented on my posts, but am thrilled that you did! Will try very hard to keep updating this site more, mostly for me.

Thanks.

Recording Feelings

This morning I am anxious - actually, almost panicked. Because of how fat I feel. How messed up I know I am about food. etc. I've been doing OA, and I'm still so on the fence about it. On the one hand, I really see myself in those people, and on the other, I don't. I'm not as crazy as a lot of them. At least, I don't think I am. And I don't want to be that crazy. I'm hoping I can do some introspection, figuring myself out without getting into all the OA craziness. I want to work on the steps and write and read, but the meetings - ugh. Hm. We'll see. I succeeded in getting over another bout of headaches using a very strict anti-headache diet, but of course I couldn't stick with it and it caused me to binge. I need a more reasonable, balanced approach to eating. Eat things I like but in moderation and balanced with good things. So this morning I really wanted cereal. I had some (probably a serving and a half?) and feel nervous about eating it but really good after. Like it was just what I wanted. But no guilt after.

We'll see how lunch goes.