From Compuslive Eating to Emotional Eating

I had a pseudo-revelation last night. I call it pseudo because it is something I've given a fair amount of thought to and acknowledged as being part of my life before, but never has it been so crystal clear.

Last night I went to a happy hour with some friends. It was at our local bar, it was really cozy and nice, and the company was great. In short, on a cold fall evening, it was a good way to spend some time. I even realized that at the time, looking around the warmly lit bar area. The atmosphere was great. But I wasn't drinking and I hadn't eaten yet. The first made it so that I eventually got sick of just sitting there while everyone else had a drink, and the second made me anxious. The fact that not having eaten yet made me anxious is probably a warning sign in and of itself, but when you're following as strict a diet as I am, the compulsion to stay on schedule and not having other plans "mess up" your eating is strong.

I was planning to make sushi, but for various reasons I knew it would be a while before after I left the bar before I could actually sit down and eat (to make a long story short, I needed to go back to my apartment, get the ingredients, drive over the the store, pick up one more ingredient, and then drive back to BF's place to make dinner for both of us - all starting at about 8 pm).

So I was annoyed/anxious when we started the trek but got to my place, picked up the ingredients and went out to my car.

And the battery was dead. Now under normal circumstances this would be annoying. As it was, since I was already anxious and annoyed and my battery had died multiple times in the previous year, I was furious. Possibly with my car but mostly with myself, because I was thinking I had done it myself - again! Maybe left a light on or something. I was so sick of just being disorganized and having crap like this happen that I was furious. Plus it meant we'd have to walk all the way to the grocery store and then all the way to BF's place (25 minutes total).

I was so angry I couldn't speak, and the poor bewildered BF had no idea what to do with me. As we were walking to the store, though, my immediate thought was, "screw it, I'm not going to make sushi, I deserver something fattening and good tasting and rich because my night just went to shit!" Then I realized I would look crazy in front of the BF (chances are he already knows I'm crazy, but still).

So long story short I stuck with the sushi but to make myself feel better used soy sauce and pickled ginger. I know, big splurge. The only trouble is, I ended up with a massive migraine afterward. Ugh.

So once again this morning I wanted to eat crap because of my headache and was sure that what would make me feel better was a big, greasy bacon egg and cheese and a blueberry muffin (that used to be my binge breakfast of choice). Instead, since I had to take migraine medication and I also knew that cheese and bacon would probably be bad for my head, I made simple fried eggs on toast...and even skipped the margerine in case it had bad stuff in it.

So my head mostly feels better now and I'm glad I ate a mostly healthy (and headache-avoiding) breakfast.

But it was interesting, both times in the last 24 hours, how strong and immediately the urge to eat crap hit me. As soon as something goes badly for me, wham! I want starches, sweets, carbs! Comfort food! I honestly don't know how to overcome that. But I have to try.

Let's just say I really identify with Erin, who writes over on Angry Fat Girlz. Her most recent post there really struck home.

That's all for now. Sorry for the rambly (and no so cheery) nature of this post. I just needed to write about this.