Day 23

Yesterday I went to my first meeting in 6 days, and I'm glad I went. We had a relatively small meeting, which meant that pretty much everyone was guilted into speaking. I spoke and was glad i did, even though I didn't say anything too exciting. But it was interesting. After 23 days of abstinence, I'm starting to feel like its my job to comfort and offer support to those who are struggling or new. One old-timer sounded like she was struggling, and I found myself, after the meeting, going up to her and asking how she was doing and trying to find words of support instead of talking about myself. That's something I've been very self-conscious about. I've felt since July that all I do is TAKE, talking about myself, and not offer advice. But I think it's taken that long to really buckle down, so I've been struggling myself since then. Its way too early to say that I feel like I've got it figured out and that I can offer any advice to folks. But at least I can share positive stuff right now instead of negative or uncertain stuff, and that's a step in the right direction.

I'm between steps right now. I've finished reading about and writing on step one. I need to re-read what I've written on step one to make sure its really internalized, but I also need to meet with and discuss what I've written with my sponsor before moving onto step 2. I'll be curious to hear what she has to say. So instead of moving on, I'm reading some other OA literature, including the Big Book and Overeaters Anonymous. I read three stories in Overeaters Anonymous. And they all spoke to me generally in some way - they always do overall, in the way that I understand the pain and frustration adn hopelessness you feel when you can't stop binging. But none of them really grabbed me.

Though in the last story I read, there was a line right at the beginning where the author said "So great had been my isolation before coming to OA that no once had I ever told anyone about my bingeing, not even the psychiatrist who treated me for severe depression." I can relate to that. I've told people I'm a compulsive overeater, but its only recently that I've been able to admit out loud that I'm a binge eater. Somehow it seems worse - grosser, less appealing, more mentally wrong. I even asked one day why people in OA don't identify themselves as binge eaters and instead just call themselves compulsive overeaters. I was told that binge eating falls into the category of compulsive eating. But for me, I almost need it to be more specific, to admit exactly what I've been doing out loud to the group. The one group that won't judge. Maybe at my next meeting I'll identify myself that way. But one other big step I've taken recently was admitting to my therapist exactly what I consume during a binge. I kept a food log, showing rigorous honesty, even during a binge. It was sort of embarrassing, but I also think I'm numb now and willing to go to "whatever lengths," even if it means admitting my worst to a (relative) stranger.