Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Day 17

I binged last night. Not an all-out can't button your pants or breath binge, but it was unhealthy food, it was deliberate, and it was because I wanted it, not because I was hungry. I'd been craving chocolate and peanut butter for a while (a week) and had in my head that I wanted Coldstone Creamery's chocolate Reese's mashup. I've been resisting using the tools, but then I got it in my head that I could use a substitute. A substitute being fat-free, sugar-free fudge pudding with fat-free Cool Whip mixed with peanut butter. Better for me, probably, (in terms of calories and fat and sugar), but not in terms of health. Health-wise, it was very bad for me. I got all the stuff at the grocery store after lunch and also got a bottle of wine. I consumed all of it. I didn't feel too bad physically, but mentally I wasn't too happy.

I'm not restarting my abstinence date, because it's a slip, not the end of the world. When I got up this morning, I really wanted healthy food and didn't like that I'd had that junk. And I've continued to eat healthy all day and I'm about to go to the gym. Have I learned anything from this? I'd love to say yes, though I'm not sure that's true. I think what might be different this time is me acknowledging that I really do have this disease and that having that one (or 500) compulsive bite really is a problem, as it's much harder in general after that. I've also acknowledged that I have to keep doing what I'm supposed to do according to this program. The program knows better t han I do. So I went to a meeting today, and I'm doing my reading and writing and food logging.

Step 1 says "As long as we refuse to acknowledge that we have this debilitating and ultimately fatal disease, we are not motivated to get the daily treatment for it that brings about our recovery." I think that is what is different this time, that made me do wht I was supposed to do today. I KNOW I have the disease of compulsive overeating, and so I knew that today, like every other day, needed me to engage in my daily treatment, despite the setback last night. And that, I hope, is my lesson.

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About Me

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Virginia, United States
I'm a 30-year-old girl just trying to figure it all out when it comes to life, love, and food.