Day 11

Compulsive eating "doesn't stem from habits learned in childhood, nor from adjustment problems, not merely from a love of food, though all three of these things maybe be factors in its development. It may be that may of us were born with a physical or emotional predisposition to eat compulsively. Whatever the case, today we are not like normal people when it comes to eating."

This is an interesting passage to me. I have, at one point or another, attributed my food problems to each of the factors listed above. I did think they were probably culpable in combination, but I was inclined to blame childhood habits and adjustment problems. And I think I DO have a physical or emotional predisposition to eat compulsively. For whatever reason, my baseline approach to food is to eat too much and the wrong thing. Did I start out that way? Probably. I remember sneaking food as a very young child, so it seems it started when I was very young and it has simply progressed from there.

But I think that is not what OA deals with. "Whatever the case, today we are not like normal people when it comes to eating." It doesn't matter WHY or HOW you got this way. What matters is that you need to stop acting this way.

But "We can't quit." I've tried many times. Each time I think it's different or I think it's just because I'm going through a rough period in my life that I can't quit or I think that this is something I can control or will be able to control soon. But each time I get some measure of success, I fall. I end up back in the food, totally demoralized and depressed. And fat. It has become painfully clear that I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN. I literally cannot stop eating on my own. I need the help of the group, of a higher power, of both.

I had a thought last night about OA and God. I was thinking about how some people use meetings and the collective group in OA as their higher power, and honestly, I think it's kind of all the same. The OA program helps you become the ideal version of yourself. It helps you acknowledge and rid yourself of character defects, it helps you approach life on a more even, kind, serene level. It helps you approach food the way you should approach it. And the idealized you is obviously the one that God wants, the one he intended for you to be. So the OA program is essentially putting God's wishes and plan into action. I like that. I don't know what it means in terms of my higher power, but it's a nice thought.