Day 15

The second part of step 1 says that we admitted that our lives had become unmanageable. For me this is the key to admitting powerlessness. I've been trying to control my food for 15 years, but my life still has become totally unmanageable, despite my best efforts to control it (and the food). That, to me, is the essence of powerlessness. I've been trying for so long and failing for so long. I still have a large part of me that thinks that if I just try a little harder or get slightly better circumstances, or somehow get more willpower or get slightly less depressed, I'll finally be able to lick this thing. But that never happens. Ever.

I always attributed the fact that the happy thngs that happened in my life didn't make me happy because I was depressed. And I was depressed in large part because of my weight. But that's an oversimplification, in reality. Yes, I was depressed by my weight, and my weight made it so I was less comfortable doing the things I love (like hiking etc) and didn't get that normal "high" you get from happy activities. My self-consciousness also kept me isolated and away from many of the normal life activities that would make me happy, keeping me in a depressed, isolated state. And eating.

Were our homes pleasant places to be, or had we been living in an atmosphere or depression and anger? My home definitely wasn't a pleasant place to be. It was often overrun with dirty dishes, piles of dirty clothes, crumbs, dust etc. I never cleaned it unless I had to, was always to embarrassed to ahve anyone over. You're supposed to make your home a sanctuary. Mine was like a dark, denlike hell.

Had our chronic overeating affected our marriages and our friendships? Yes! I essentially disappeared on my college (and high school) friends out of wanting to isolate and eat and out of embarrassment for being fat and not succeeding the way they were. I remember the times when I would go visit my best friend, I would think to myself "ok, time to go pretend I'm a normal, happy functioning person in the real world for a little while, even though in my actual life I'm nothing like that." It was like putting on a facade for a little while and acting cheerful and normal, when I felt like a total fraud, unhappy, embarrassed, fat, like I didn't belong in the real world anymore. It was absolutely exhausting one time on one of these visits my life was so out of control - I had let my finances get out of control, my eating was a disaster etc. I got to the airport and something had gone wrong financially. I'm not sure what. Maybe a check had bounced. Whatever it was, I was in total despair, knowing that it was only my irresponsibility that had done this. I turned around and went back home and told my friend I "accidentally" missed my plane. I hadn't. I just couldn't face the truth that night. I'm sure I went home and binged. I don't know. I do know I went the next morning and felt a bit better.

As for other friends, I spent the first 5-7 years in my new town without making any friends. Maybe one or two. But I was totally consumed by my disease and felt I had no way to make friends. And marriage? Well, I'm not married. And the main reason for that is that I have been too consumed by my disease to even try or have a successful relationship. All my friends are having babies and married, and I'm trying to get over an eating disorder. It's incredibly demoralizing, but I have to accept that this is the path my life has taken, and change only what I can from here on out. I can't change the past.