Day 14

I was just sitting here trying to figure out why I've had such awful cravings the last few days. I made a hookup call (my first!) and talking helped a bit. Thinking usually doesn't help much, because let's be honest. We've all tried to think our way out of this, intellectualize something that can't be intellectualized. Because it is our brain doing the thinking, but it is our brain that is messing with us.

Some of the craving right now, for me, might also be my body. My body wants to binge. It really does. But mostly it's my brain that wants to binge, I think.

But I've been thinking while reading some of the Big Book about various things, and one thing that occurred to me, on a vague, fuzzy level, is that I don't think I've accepted that I can't take that first compulsive bite. I think there is part of me that thinks I should be able to have my binge foods and be ok with it and not eat compulsively after. I think part of me is "waiting" for the time when I feel like it's ok to have that bite (or maybe even that binge). I don't know if I believe that just one bite will be my downfall. I think, yes, after a bite (which I imagine would turn into a binge), I believe that I will crave more. I believe that. But I also think that I can get through the craving on willpower. But when have I ever shown the strength to do that? Ever? Even if it's not that day (though it frequently is) or the next day, eventually after I do give in that first little bit, it leads to a still bigger and bigger binge until I'm all-out binging again. So these people, who have more experience than I do and more recovery than I do, might actually be right. It really is about that first bite. And I know when I'm taking a compulsive bite. Or at least, I know when I have a frenzied feeling, a hole I'm needing to fill, and I take a bite almost because I don't have the will not to. But there are other compulsive first bites, I think. That bite of cake that you think is ok and you aren't feeling frenzied, but then it leads to a binge. What if that's my problem today? I had a bite of french toast. And it was amazing. And I really wanted more. Could that be making the cravings worse right now?

It's really interesting that I had this thought occur to me while reading the Big Book right now - that is, the thought that I don't really believe that I need to abstain forever. The thought that I am, at some point, on some level, anticipating that first bite and first binge, I'm just not letting myself do it yet. Then I turn to my designated section of the Twelve and Twelve and read the first highlighted passage that I'm supposed to write about today. And it says: "If we don't ever overeat, we don't trigger the reaction that makes us crave more." I guess that's my HP speaking to me. He wanted me to read that passage. It then goes on to say that "this has proven impossible for us to do on willpower alone. This is becaue our malady is not just physical in nature; it is emotional and spiritual as well" Which is true for me. So I need to address this need to binge this time. Not just hold out until my brain (or my disease) tells me I've behaved long enough and I can have a binge food. I need to address this need to binge now. Look at why, how, call people, write about it, think about it, read about it, pray about it. It's the end of the road. And I have to address the spiritual and emotional reasons why I want to binge and why I still think I can overeat at some point and come back. I think I will overeat at some point, but I cant spend my time waiting for it happen.