White Knuckles

I want to eat right now. All the wisdom says that when you want to eat, if you've already had a meal recently, you need to figure out why. I've never been good at pausing long enough to let my brain be quiet and figure it out. But here goes: It's hard to tell, but I think I might be a tad hungry. I had a fairly filling lunch, and I wasn't hungry when I started eating. Was it enough? Is my stomach just digesting? Will the _slight_ feeling of hunger go away or will I become ravenously hungry? And so what if I do? What does that mean? I think I am afraid of hunger, the way so many experts say we compulsive eaters are. But really, what's so bad about being hungry? I remember being hungry before meals a lot as a child, and that was a good thing. It's more fun to eat when you're hungry than when you're not. So I get hungry an hour (or two?) before I'm supposed to eat dinner. What does that mean? That I'm not cut out for this whole eating healthy thing, that I can't get it right, that I always either undereat or overeat. I never eat "just enough." I'm a failure. I think that's part of what goes through my head. But also the fear that I won't have access to the foods I need (or want?) when I do get really hungry. But so what? There's tons of food around, both in my house, at the grocery store three blocks away, at the zillion restaurants within two blocks of my house. I WILL NOT STARVE.

So what else is making me think I want to eat? Maybe part of it is actually reading OA literature and seeing how these people overate. I'm also anxious. Anxious that this won't work, anxious because I'm off sugar, again, for a couple days now. Anxious because I feel like I don't measure up and I'll be alone forever. But the thing is, I won't. What I'm doing now will help me get the confidence to surround myself with people when I need them and be alone when I don't. It will give me the confidence to get out there and meet people, something I've been really bad at. So I think that's what's bothering me. I'm not sure if this will help the white knuckle situation. I doubt it will. I'm going to try going for a walk to ease some of this.