One Day! (sort of)

I was actually able to get a day of healthy eating under my belt yesterday! It felt good, and I was glad I did it. Now I need to do it again today. So far so good. I've had oatmeal with strawberries and turkey bacon for breakfast so far. And lunch is going to be stuffed mushrooms.

It seems like every day is something a bit different but equally distressing. Yesterday I had a ton of things on my mind. Many of them food-related. Today my distress is about something else (though, as always, related). I have an ex-boyfriend, who I talked about before in this blog, who I broke up with in January. For a number of reasons, but primarily because I simply didn't want to marry him. He did want to marry me. For various reasons - many of them having to do with loneliness and the fear that I will never have a normal relationship because I'm too fat for anyone to like me - we have had a messy breakup. I.e., hooking up and spending probably too much time acting like boyfriend-girlfriend. He has slowly been trying to get back into my life on a more regular basis, which sometimes is good and other times (most of the time) seems like a really bad idea. I don't want it. I don't want a relationship with him. And I'm worried I'm leading him on. In fact, I'm pretty sure I am and I feel guilty about it. He has gotten back into the habit of wanting to talk every single night on the phone, which I HATED when we were together. And he wants to see me multiple times per week, even though I'm fine with maybe once a week. And I'm supposed to see him tonight and the once-per-week thing is seeming like too much. He said I didnt sound excited about it on the phone last night. My inclination was to make an excuse, but the truth is, I didn't want to be talking to him on the phone last night and I don't particularly want to see him tonight. But I said I would, and I also don't have any other plans as of right now, so I guess I'm going to.

I don't know. I'm very, very tentatively starting to think I might be able to conceive of putting myself out there in the near future and finding other people to date. The whole body composition scan thing helped a lot. Knowing I don't have 70 pounds to lose is helping me feel more confident, and I think I'll feel more ok with getting out there if I only lose 20-25. We'll see. But the (very small but growing) excitement about potentially meeting someone else is making this hanging out with the ex thing even less appealing.

Poor guy. It's not his fault.

Just needed to get this off my chest.