Ugh

I'm so confused right now. Upset, frustrated, scared, angry, apprehensive, nervous. I'm supposed to (or at least vaguely) do something with some people today and I'm resentful that I feel obligated to. I said they should call me and "I'd see." I didn't commit necessarily, but I think that was assumed. I'm resentful that I feel like I committed and now I'm mad at myself for backing out and guilty about it. But I don't owe this person anything. He thinks I do. I don't, but I think I might be allowing him to think I do. I'm backing out because I'm so upset, in such a black, panicked, depressed mood. My eating disorder is in rough shape, and I'm reading about eating disorders. I've gained weight and my clothes don't fit. And my thighs rub together and chafe. And I don't have the right shoes because I injured my foot and no jogging shoes fit without giving me blisters. The pair I have might be too late to return, because I've been in such a fog of food, so I might have spent $125 for no good reason and ended up with a pair of shoes that don't work. I can't believe I've gotten so fat. And yet all I want to do is go out and get food now. And I've put off doing the thing this afternoon but said I might do dinner with them. Which just makes me look like a fat pig, but I can wrap my head around doing dinner better than I can walking really far in flip-flops with my legs chafing.

Ugh Ugh Ugh.