Feel Like a Blog

Alternative title: Ugh

I totally don't feel like posting today, bu t I think that's probably a good indicator that I NEED to post. After all, the purpose of this blog is to get my issues/thoughts/feelings out there.

Basically, I feel like a total fat blob (I keep typing blog instead of blob in there - hmmm...) today. Which is so bizarre given that I felt super slim and fabulous just two days ago. But two (ok, I think today is #3) days of eating poorly and I'm a psychological mess. Every time I looked in my reflection in the window on the way to work this morning, all I could see was my multiple chins, saggy boobs, and spare tire around my waist. Wearing a somewhat revealing shirt (as in it's a very thin material and really shows the spare tire), isn't helping. Ugh.

And of course all that I want to do when I feel this gross/bad is eat, and so far I haven't been able to stop myself.

I know logically I don't look any different than I did on Monday, and I probably don't weight any more (still sitting at 190), but it's psychologically rough.

I think I've also got a lot on the brain, and to be honest, I'm feeling kind of down. This is an annual problem for me, possibly related to weather, possibly to the holidays. As I was brushing my teeth this morning, I heard in the background a commercial for what I assume is some sort of holiday-themed product, because it was playing some Christmas carol. I didn't want to hear it, partly because it's too early, and partly because of what Christmas means. It means yet another holiday season when I'm not feeling joyous about where my life is, despite all the rest of the world apparently feeling joyous. It's the end of another year without me having real love in my life. And it will be another strained Christmas with the family. It's hard to even contemplate. The last couple Christmases, just to escape my family, I've either brought my boyfriend with me or gone to his family's Christams. That just isn't an option this year, in no small part because I can't keep up the charade of pretending he's the love of my life in front of his family. Obviously it means we need to break it off. But I can't bring myself to do that either. Ugh.

What's frustrating is that I have so much trouble stopping myself from eating poorly when I feel this bad, even though I know perfectly well what it's going to do to my body, my brain, and my headache-prone head! Ugh.

Sister is coming to visit this weekend. Not that she can keep me from eating (god knows she has her own food-related issues), but at least she'll provide a distraction from food so I can get back on (or at least near the) track.