I'm Down

Why is it that I come back here when I hit a particularly low point in my life?  And why is it that the low point almost inevitably includes out-of-control eating pursuant to other life crises? I suppose I should update since my last update. My dad is fine. His cancer is gone, and after a difficult recovery, he is well on his way to healing fully. That is the most important thing, and I am so grateful that he is all right. I would like to not take that for granted. 

The other thing I was dealing with the last time I wrote was the breakup. It has been hard. We are still broken up, I still do not want to marry him, but we are spending more time together. He has been my best friend for four years, and that doesn't just go away. Losing your best friend and your boyfriend in one fell swoop (the same day you find out your dad has cancer) is too much. So we're talking. And hanging out and...hm. I'll leave it at that.

I can't deny that I'm lonely. In fact, it's been a sad, awful day of being cooped up in my apartment (for no good reason - I could have called friends, could have gone outside and enjoyed the weather, could have not eaten crap food, could have not watched a horrible depressing movie. But I did).  So I talked to the ex. And I wanted him to come over. Because I'm sad and lonely and need the comfort. He did not (I had too much pride to ask him outright). But perhaps I feel a bit better after talking to him.

But why do I do this to myself? Why do I isolate myself like this? I know it's my disease, and I now that life could be good. But I don't seem to have the strength to get to good. Exactly one month ago, I found out that my executive director (from here on out A.H.) had sold the bulk of my company to a firm in Philadelphia and was laying everyone off except a few of his favorites, who he was keeping to start his own think tank with the proceeds of the sale. I was going to be jobless. Me, an Ivy League graduate, the youngest magazine editor at the company, was going to be jobless. Since then it has become clear that the new company wants to retain me as editor, and we have spent the last couple of weeks negotiating the terms of the contract. It will be finalized this week and my last day at my current company is Friday. Starting next Friday, I will be a self-employed freelance editor working out of my home. And I'm terrified. I'm terrified of being even more isolated than I am, I'm terrified that I will just be unable to motivate myself to work, that I'll just become this (more) depressed, unhappy, slothful, time-wasting mess. Realistically, I know what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen. But can I make myself do it? Can I set a schedule and stick to it? Can I make sure I get out and work in coffee shops and go to the gym every day to interact with other humans? Can I make a bigger effort than normal to socialize so I see people enough? Can I get up the gumption to volunteer? Can I get the work done? Can I get up the energy to apply for full-time jobs?

And most importantly, can I get my food under control? I have no reason to think I can. I've failed a million and one times before now. But the evidence is growing that beating this disease is a matter of life and death for me. As in, I have no life when I'm in the food. I do things like sleep on the couch every night and eat til I feel sick and exist on sugar and carbohydrates and get migraines daily and avoid contact with friends. I watch TV all day. I do what I did today. And I'm miserable. I snap at people, I have inexplicable rage totally out-of-proportion to life events. I haven't been handling this job stress well. And I know it's because I'm so consumed by my addiction. Everything is worse when I'm in the food. Layoffs and underemployment and massive life changes are stressful. But they don't have to be as stressful as I've made them. I realized this a couple of weeks ago--that I was making things so much worse because of my food. So I got up the energy (nerve? Chutzpah? willingness?) to try eating no sugar, no flour, and no wheat. I did it for 8 days, and I felt better in the last few days of that period than I had in a while. I was able to look at the positive aspects of these changes and see how it might be good. I was calmer, happier (though still not happy). I was more human. 

Then I have into the food. And all the goodness went away. Now, though things are actually looking brighter than they were last week, I am having trouble seeing any good in anything. It's like I'm stuck in this chemical haze of negativity and I can't see my way out. I just have to trust that not eating sugar, flour, or wheat will once again help me regain my equanimity. I just have to pray to god that I can do it again and that I can continue eating that way. Because my way doesn't work.

I have to try. I can only hope that my new schedule will help me break old habits and form new, good ones. I have to try.

Today, I am grateful for:

my friends

Harry Potter

Mom and Dad

My apartment

summer

the opportunity to try working from home

flowers

balloons